New Journey - A chance at hope!

Sometime back in 2014 or 2015, I had visited a doctor because I was experiencing excessive amounts of belching. They didn’t do much in the way of treatment but I was officially diagnosed with GERD and IBS. Several months after that event I began experiencing fatigue so severe that I would start falling asleep an hour after waking and sleep for 8-10 hours at a time. They ran some tests and discovered that I had a severe vitamin D deficiency and also had something called H Pylori. 

After treating me for both I began to feel better. In fact, I don’t recall much illness for several months. Then on August 23, 2016 thing changed. 

It was a Friday night and I had just had FRoYo with some friends. My soon-to-be husband and another friend and I went to Walmart to grab a couple items and look around. (We live in a small city with not much to do so walking Walmart is kind of a norm.) We we’re getting ready to leave when I suddenly felt faint. I used a vegetable cooler to lean on and it only lasted a couple of minutes.  

This started a year of tests and symptoms. I saw specialists and general practitioners and fit in an MRI a couple days before my wedding. Come January I was crying in a parking lot after having been told by yet another doctor that there was nothing medically wrong with me. 

I let the medical doctors keep swinging at it and in the meantime my symptoms began to include the same symptoms I had when I was diagnosed with H Pylori and the vitamin D deficiency. It seemed like with each passing week my symptoms would get worse and with each passing month the doctors were ruling more out. 

My GP told me it was stress and IBS. He upped my meds for that and the longer this went on the more frustrated I became. 

A year after this all started, still experiencing symptoms, my GP started talking surgery. He wants to take out my gallbladder. Problem is he still believes it’s stress - Stress induced IBS symptoms. So why is a doctor saying “take out her gallbladder” if he isn’t sure that’s the problem? Because he doesn’t know what it is. So I started diving into research looking for alternative healing solutions. I wasn’t going to let him do surgery if that wasn’t going to fix me. 

The reason I’m telling you all of this is because I know there are so many others out there like me - being told to take a vacation when we know that it’s not just stress. We know there is something wrong and the health care system has let us down. 

That was the first part of my journey. I didn’t know it then but I am fully aware that this is a series and there are many parts to this story. In October I had done a tremendous amount of research. I was certain it wasn’t cancer - no thanks to webMD. Problem was I was still sick and feeling hopeless and helpless. 

In my research I stumbled across some studies from other countries on natural treatments. People who had treated IBS with diet changes, supplements and exercise. I knew this would be a new way a living and a new journey. At the same time, I felt God calling me to share my story. I felt inadequate for that and put it off till one morning when I just couldn’t anymore. I stepped up to bat and posted my first YouTube video. (In case you’re curious - Here’s a link to one of my videos https://youtu.be/fcogek7HIh0)

I’m now on part two - if you will - of my journey and I have some hope. Maybe not in getting healing - sure I hope for that - but My hope is more in helping. I know that my story can help others. I know that God can use the things that Satan intended for evil for good and so I’m going to let God. I’m going to share my story and the steps I’m taking. I’m going to share my lessons and work to try to encourage others. 

This battle feels lonely at times. Truth is - we are not alone! Most of us have people who love and support us. If we talk about it enough, we will also learn that there are many people like us. And more importantly we have a God that loves us and is with us. 

I don’t know how this story will end but what I do know is that this journey has the potential to impact more than just myself. I just have to get out of the way. I have to put one foot in front of the other and follow the prompting of my God. I can’t wait to see how he uses this. 

If you are like me - sick for no medical reason - or even sick with a medical reason- feeling helpless and hopeless - don’t give up! Keep searching. Keep pushing. I know you are tired. I know there are days when getting out of bed is just too hard. That crying hurts and you think you may be dying. But please!!! Please don’t give up!! Do what you can. Put one foot in front of the other and press on. Even if you don’t believe in God like I do, there are others watching and waiting and hoping. You have no idea how your life or your story will impact them. 

You matter! You can “be the change you wish to see in the world.” Your life is important and this “sickness” may just be your opportunity for greatness! 

So here’s to the new chapter, this new journey! Let there be healing. Let there be hope. Let us all find the light in darkness and the joy among the sorrow. 

New Years Resolutions

A few years ago I changed the way I do my New Years Resolutions. I used to pick one thing - usually something cliche like get in shape or watch less tv or eat better. And like most Americans, I had quit on my New Years Resolutions by March. 

The statistic for New Years Resolutions is crazy by the way and it points to the fact that we as Americans suck at commitment. 

Or do we? Or is it that we are making the wrong kind of commitments? Or could it be that we are approaching New Years Resolutions in all the wrong ways?

I read a study that was printed in Forbes that said only 8% of the people that make New Years Resolutions keep them. And only 41% of the US Population makes them. Doing some quick math with the population data from 2013 (when Forbes published their data) that means that 1 in every 30 people keep their New Years Resolutions!!! 1 out of 30!!!! 

So it’s no surprise that I was one of 29 that didn’t. So for a long while I stopped doing it all together. I got tired of feeling like a failure at something, that come Dec 31, I no longer cared about either or would just end up saying “oh well there’s always next year.” And then the next year would come and the cycle would repeat. 

So how do I do it now? Well first, those questions I asked earlier started me wondering if I was just missing the mark on this kind of commitment. I learned through my counseling work that change takes time, planning, and baby steps. 

If you want to make a change that is going to stick; there has to be a plan with specific- and I mean as specific as you can get- details. You can’t just say I’ll get in shape or I’ll join a gym. You need to make a plan for the steps and a plan for the little steps. You can’t take big bites because you’ll choke. 

I joined gyms but never planned out specifically how I was going to keep myself in that funky smelling room past March. I didn’t think about accountability or how I planned on keeping it consistent. I didn’t plan for pitfalls or those days when I didn’t care to get out bed. I also didn’t have a reward system. These are all pieces to the puzzle of successful change but I’m not here to talk about that today. 

Sure I did some of those things but what I found to work better for myself is by making myself a bigger target. This “bigger target” is two fold for me. 1. I made a list of goals instead of just one I’d have at least 10 of them. And 2. More than half had to either impact someone other than me or be something that would make me better as a person rather than a physical change. Some examples from years past include: sending physical birthday cards to all of my family, reading the Bible from cover to cover, reading 12 books (6 nonfiction), learn how to meditate, laugh more often, volunteer for two nonprofits you’ve never helped before, cross one thing off your bucket list, and help someone close to you (just to name a few). 

I applied the pieces to the puzzle of change and can gladly say that 1. These are way more fun than going to a gym and 2. I find that doing something that brings real and true fulfillment into my life is way better than getting into my jeans from high school. I also feel more accomplished because I’m doing something that matters and I want to cross them off my list even if I don’t want to get out bed. 

So now each year I make a list. Post it where I can see it and keep a copy on my phone so I have it with me. I’m still working on my list for next year but this year I crossed off several. I will get the whole bible finished in the next couple of days. I volunteered at a new non profit and am already searching for new ones. I got to help out several close people from my family and friends. I picked up a new hobby. And I tried quite a few new things. I didn’t get them all and some I didn’t finish but that won’t stop me from trying again. 

So what’s on the agenda for next year? I haven’t finished my list but some of them include paying off debt, writing love notes to all my family, reading the Bible from cover to cover, declutter my house and give it all away, help someone new, and learn to say more positive things to others whenever I think them. 

I also am trying to figure out what my God given word to focus on is going to be and let God guide me in what he wants my New Years Resolution to be. This takes time and prayer so I don’t have it yet but I’ll try to let you know when I do. The practice of finding a god given word is also another post for another day. 

In the meantime as you all start making plans for next year try to evaluate yourself inside as well as out and look for things that will really have a bigger impact. You never know what kind of change you might see both in you and in those around you if you just aim for a bigger target. You also might find that you are way more motivated to get out of bed and go accomplish those pesky New Years Resolutions! 

Stepping Out - Success or Failure

 "Stepping out" can mean so many things. We can say things like "I'm taking a leap of faith" or "I'm getting out of my comfort zone." While for me lately has been a little bit of both. I have been stepping out and stepping into new and exciting things.

I realize that I have neglected to continue to publish content to this page and as a result feel as if I have failed. But I am reminded that a 100% of people that don't try - fail a 100% of the time.

To say I have failed would be an overstatement. I have tried and that does not make me a failure. It doesn't make me feel all that successful either. And that leaves me wondering what success really means and if I need to be reminded of what success - by my definition - means.

To me success is something that has to be defined by the individual and the individual alone. Meaning, you decide what success looks like and what failure looks like and be careful not to define your success or failure in absolute terms or by the terms of the people that do not try.

It is scary stepping out and trying new things. Failure is not something that any one of us ever want to feel. But - again - it's all in how YOU define it.

I have family and friends that see success and failure in one term - numbers. They define success and failure by how much money you make, by how many followers/subscribers you have, by how much approval you gain from others and how many others you need to have approval from. - Whew that felt winded...

The truth is for me success is defined by the opposite of failure. Success is when you don't join that group of people that don't try. So you don't make money. So you don't have a million followers. Did you try? Did you fall on your face? Did you get dirty? Did it hurt? Did you learn something? To me a yes to any of these questions equals success. Success is trying. Success is learning. Success is doing it. So I should feel successful even if wasn't by much.

You can work your life away and feel like a failure. Or you can get up each day with a purpose to try. You can try to help someone. You can try to change the world. You can try to build Rome. See where I'm going? It isn't going to happen over night, but each day provides an opportunity for a win. A loss only happens when you don't go for a win or you don't even try.

Tomorrow will come with or without you. Today is the only day you've been given and if you didn't get that 1 million subscribers or make a profit but you did your best then today is a win and a success in my book.

Don't give up on something or feel as if you are a failure if you go 7 months without writing an article for your blog (Sorry for that by the way). Don't feel failure if you miss your goal of losing 5 lbs. Don't feel failure if you didn't meet your goal of making a lot of money. (By the way "a lot" is a subjective term and a dangerous one at that because it is allusive.)

Feel success when you gave it all you had and even if you didn't meet your goal for the day - you tried. Too many people don't even try - but you did! You win! And remember today or any day for that matter is not defined by our successes or failures. You won't be remembered as the guy who made millions or the gal that got a 1000 subscribers over night. You will be remembered in how you did it and what you did. You'll be the guy that robbed a bank or the gal who burnt her hair with firecrackers (just kidding - but I've been there.)

How do you want to be remembered? The guy who saved lives or the gal who had compassion on a stranger? The guy who wrote the book that changed the way we do (insert your passion here) or the gal that invented (new way to underwater basket weave or whatever you love to do). Or the person who never tried.

So get up off the couch, step out, and succeed today at what will matter tomorrow.  Maybe success today is not writing a blog, or posting on social media. Maybe today's success is defined by something else - family time, crafting, meditating, exercising, skipping desert. What's your definition of success? Are you up to stepping out tomorrow? Or today? It isn't too late if you're still breathing.

Thank YOU!

A couple of weeks ago, I had started this post but failed to finish it in a timely manner. Albeit better late than never.

The value of a "Thank You" is hard to put into words but I am about to attempt.

The second week of April each year is a week that is nationally recognized as National Telecommunicators Week that, ironically, receives very little recognition.

I guess when you really think about our job, it shouldn't be all that surprising. We are the voices. We are heard and never seen. We work to save lives while waiting for the heros that you see show up on scene.  We are the true first responsders. We are the first on scene, seeking out ways to keep everyone that will be there in the next few moments as well as those already there safe. So without a face, we are also the first that are forgotten.

We all understand this job hazard and most take it in stride. We receive very little positive recognition but when we do, the value of it is insurmountable.

The "Thank you" that so rarely comes is met with gratitude. You'll find a common response when thanking a dispatcher may be "you do not need to thank me." I feel that it is because we are so used to the thankless nature of our job we often feel it is not warranted. We were doing our job and that is what we do - no need to thank me...

Recently, I received a message from a man. It was simple but filled me with such joy. You might recall reading in my last post about that one time I delivered a baby - it was him. The frantic soon to be father as he scrambled to help both his baby and his wife through the ordeal. He sent me a picture of a little girl and his message read... "On January 4th, my daughter will turn 4 years old. Thanks again for helping me bring her into this world. You are a treasure and your job is important and appreciated."

I had not heard from him since a few days after the event when he called to thank me over the phone. It fills me with pride to know that there is a little girl who is now 4 and a family that is filled with her presence because I was there that day. It is a blessing to see how the story turned out and that "Thank You" is something that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

So if you happen to think about it, remember that a "Thank You" can change a person's entire outlook on life. It can make them feel appreciated and accepted when the rest of the world seems to overlook them. This is true in other fields of labor and capacities. So thank your waitress/waiter, the nice person who held the door, the 911 operator who answered your questions, saved your life or just made you smile. Thank your parents for their self sacrifice and your friends for their friendship.  All of these things we take for granted and we forget the value of a "Thank You."

“What is the worst call you’ve ever taken?”

“What is the worst call you’ve ever taken?”

As a dispatcher for the past 7 years, I get this question a lot. However, I rarely answer this question. I usually deflect by saying, well one of my craziest calls was ::insert story of a cat stuck in a door:: and laugh with listener as I recant many others like it.

The truth is not that I don’t remember or can’t recall what the worst call was - it’s that I don’t want share the burden of it.

As dispatchers we hear the worst of the worst. We experience life without a filter of innocence. Before doing this job, I could go home to my house and live my life with a filter of innocence where the bad stuff in movies was just that - something that only happened in movies. I could live my life as if my neighbors were always good people with good intentions. I could believe that there weren’t monsters living on my block.

The burden of being a dispatcher, is that you no longer get to believe that the kidnappings of little innocent children don’t happen. You no longer get to believe that people don’t play out scenes from horror movies, because you’ve heard it. You’ve heard fear, sadness, grief, death, and loss of hope. You’ve felt the weight and pain of the officers you send out to tell an unsuspecting person that the person they love the most is not coming home. You grieve the loss of every life that doesn’t make it. You feel the fear of confrontation of the officers and first responders as they go face to face with the monsters from the movies. Only that’s just it - it isn’t a movie.

The stuff that normal people read about in newspapers - you know first hand. You’re life is touched and manipulated by the evils of the world as you fight for good and are persecuted because of it. (This is how come we have weird, and sometimes demented, sense of humors. It’s a coping mechanism.)

You wake up with a sense of hope in helping others and some days you go home defeated. You walk a little heavier as the days evil weigh on your shoulders.

One of my family members once asked me why I never answer that question. (They caught on to my normal deflection.) My answer was simple - because I love you. You see, I don’t want them to worry about me. I don’t want them to live with some of my nightmares. I don’t want them to look over their shoulder while sitting at a restaurant or going into their homes at night. Sure I want them to be careful, so they lock their doors and they listen when I say move. They aren’t unaware of the things I deal with on a daily basis, but it doesn’t hit repeat in their brains when they go to sleep. And I don’t want it to - ever.

I have shared my stories and will if someone really wants to know. Mostly, what I have found is that most people like that filter of innocence and really I’m okay with letting them keep it. After all sometimes the old adage is true - “Ignorance is bliss.”

Even though there is a lot of evil in the world - there is a lot of good too. I have saved a life a time or two. I’ve jumped with joy when I hear someone start breathing again. I’ve cried tears of joy not just tears of sadness behind my mic. I’ve delivered a baby. Seriously, how many people, not in the medical field, get to say that?

I’ve laughed with you as you brought your kid to the police department to have handcuffs removed after losing the key. I’ve been there when we caught the guy (or gal) who hurt you. I’ve celebrated with you when you found your child who you thought was lost but was just hiding under the kitchen sink. I’ve even celebrated with you when we reunited you with your dog after another good Samaritan took it in until we could find you.

I’ve met some amazing people through my headset and I’ve been a part of some really amazing things. These are the stories I share because they bring hope and joy in a world that is hurting. They lift people up and instill hope in humanity. Sometimes these stores are the candles we use to get us through the darkness.

Why I Quit

"I quit." Words that come associated with many types of responses and emotions. One might receive applause as they turn from their undesirable behavior with the words "I quit." Words that might be admonished when attempting to achieve something of greatness. These same words might be met with confusion when said following something of partial indifference or something of liking.

I have received all types of reactions to my decision to "quit." Even my own brain warns of the way I might feel without this not-so-cute and life-suck that has become what most people consider to be their biggest player in social interaction. I hear thoughts like "how will you stay connected?" "How will you get to see the pictures of your family?" How will you keep up with the news and share the good news in your own life?" "What will you do to pass the time while waiting for the elderly lady to figure out the credit card machine in Sprouts?" (That really happened by the way.)

With all my doubts and all my concerns, I know the truth and the truth, I am told, will set you free. The truth is that this is probably the worst way to "stay connected." In fact it allows us to look through the windows of peoples lives and watch the highlight reels of their lives play out on their TV's. All the while allowing us to believe that we are inside with them being a part of their lives. This is a lie.

The truth is that my family will send me pictures, granted now I have to solicit them a little more often or be a part of the their actual lives so that I can take my own pictures.

The truth is that people I am really connected with already share their news with me because I am important to them and they important to me.

The truth is there is so much more valuable things to spend my time on while waiting in the checkout line in Sprouts. Or, crazy idea, I could actually be playing a part in the life that I am living rather than hiding behind my phone and playing in a world that is fake and manipulated by both the people writing the posts and the people controlling the content.

The truth is that this thing we think is so great for our lives has become something that many, myself included, now believe they can't live without. Similar to that is that is the microwave. Also true story, lived without one of those for 3 years. You learn how to actually cook things like popcorn. People think it is unfathomable to not have a microwave just as they do about Facebook.

The truth is that over the past couple of months, I have found myself actually blocking or hiding family, friends and many of those other people that my brain says "you must stay connected" due to the negativity and constant verbal and visual abuse to my happiness. I have no shame in this.

The truth is that Facebook has now become so flooded with ads and manipulated by the developers to pick and choose from my "friends" who's posts and items that I see that I no longer have any control over MY Facebook. It's flooded with negative messages, fake news, and other types of language I wouldn't allow anywhere else in my life. Furthermore, the pictures that I am longing to see are being hidden by the political and capitalist agendas of those that own, run and control this platform that I once enjoyed. So I guess the real truth is - I no longer enjoy it.

With that said, it is time to say "I quit." I want real relationships. I want real information. I want real communication. I know that by creating a blog, I've only found another way to hide in another form of social media. This may be true in part. However, when writing on here, I am not filled with discouragement or sadness. I am not filled with anger or disgust. And another truth may be that this too will be short lived and I may at some point in my future delete and discontinue.

It is time for me to seek out more positive and productive messages, conversations, and relationships. None of which, I feel can be accomplished through Facebook.

Thank you for listening.

With all my love,
God Bless,
Jessica